apology

hi i just want 2 apologize to whoever typed in of montreal dot neocities dot org and expected an of montreal related website

questioning part 57

i genuinely fucking hate not being alloromantic and allosexual its so confuzzling. also considering taht i might be aroace again because i fit the definition quite well (i dont feel sexual attraction (!!!!!) but i feel weak (!!!!!) romantic attraction like once a year but i dont actually have the desire to date people WHICH I THOUGHT I DID FOR SO LONggg but then i realized Oh i dont even fw romance i just like being emotionally close with people and i like doing some things that are considered romantic but i dont think i feel romantic feelings because the way everyone describes it i just have never experienced butterflies in my stomach or my heart racing (aside from the pots and anxiety lmao) also the thought of kissing usually makes me want to vomit because why are we as a society choosing to exchange saliva in our free time what the fuck is wrong with us sorry thats judgy but yeah

ULTIMATE RANT OF EVERYTHING IM SICK OF

i am so sick of constantly floating outside of my body and the world feeling like a fuckass dream simulation thing im sick of people telling me to stand in the grass im sick of people telling me to take deep breaths im sick of people telling me to ground myself and to practice mindfulness im sick of people telling me that i dissociate and am terrified of loud noises due to 'toxins in my environment' (oh really? its not because of the traumatic verbal abuse you put me through for years that i have constant intrusive memories and nightmares about? you dont think that could be contributing to my dissociation? no? ok. or the fact that im in a body i dont connect with whatsoever? the fact that im in a body that has a chest which i have genuinely considered cutting off with a knife?) im sick pf people invalidating my trauma im sick of people pretending it never happened and that im making things up and that my therapists are lying to me im sick of being gaslighted/gaslit/whatever im sick of feeling worthless im sick of not knowing who i am in this world im sick of how the only constant in my life is that i am a trans boy who isnt accepted by his parents im sick of not being allowed to have a chest binder im sick of nothing ever helping my 24/7 dissociation (im sick of being impulsive and awkward as a result of the 24/7 dissociation) im sick of hearing voices im sick of not knowing whether my beliefs are true or false im sick of not knowing whether im real or fake im sick of having mood swings all the fucking time im sick of feeling somehow numb and empty despite the mood swings im sick of my friends leaving me im sick of being terrified that my friends will leave me im sick of either feeling absolutely nothing (?) or feeling the most intense emotions possible im sick of forgetting the shit that i say im sick of only remembering random oddly specific details im sick of always wanting more im sick of being a human i dont feel like a human im sick of being a teenager The end

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jack vent blog WGAAHHH

hello this is secret very secret🤫